today it kind of clicked entirely to me, and i realized how perfectly unsuitable we were for each other, how we didn't line up anywhere. i mean, the height difference should have been a dead giveaway, but shit, i loved how it was so easy and so comfortable to rest my forehead against your chest and feel the reverberations so closely i could hear it in my skin. and sometimes i see you in passing, and some days you'll look like someone dragged you from bed after a night of three hours of sleeping and some days like today i know i looked like that, but other days i'll make you laugh or you'll really smile at me. and i don't care that we don't have feelings for each other anymore, those small seconds make me forget that it isn't november anymore, and all i want to do is run into your arms and tell you that i am tired and that you look tired too, so why don't we just skip out on school and take a nap together?
and then we'll blink, and logic returns. as we pass each other, i remember that we have nothing in common except for a few delicate memories and that time when we cared about each other so ferociously that we'd worry ourselves to sleep thinking about each other, and then i ache all over for hours and hours.
they told me love is like glue and commonalities are what the glue sticks to, so loving you was like catching smoke with my hands: i got handfuls and a pretty flame, fascination and adoration, but there was nothing to hold onto. and we both blew out the light, but that doesn't keep me from making irrational wishes when things are quietly unbearable and so sadsadsad that i cry myself to sleep because i can't see any love or any holding or any anything for my tomorrows.
so i drank a whole gallon of coffee and tea and another of water and lit all the candles in my room last night and cried into my hands because i don't know what to do with all this feeling, but today is different, today
i don't have anything for you.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
handpicked, handmade.
i don't know how often you read my journals, but i wanted to tell you sort of that i was really glad that you named that playlist you made me "an hour for helen." the songs were beautiful and i listen to that playlist every now and then when i need something quiet but present, contemplative and relieving, mostly when i am sad and lonely and silence is swallowing. it is just exceptionally wonderful in that you made it for me as you've made other little gifts for me, and it means an indescribable amount that something exists purely because it was made to make someone, me, happy.
&& 1T MA3KZ M3 F33L SP3C1@L && L0V3D [and not so lonely and not so cold and hopeful].
mostly, wanted to say that everything everyone has done for me is not forgotten and is always appreciated.
thank you, lots.
&& 1T MA3KZ M3 F33L SP3C1@L && L0V3D [and not so lonely and not so cold and hopeful].
mostly, wanted to say that everything everyone has done for me is not forgotten and is always appreciated.
thank you, lots.
Monday, November 29, 2010
day 9: good day o3o
reallyreally good day, although that might be undermined by how late it is right now.
ahaha, i started the day in a mix of apprehension and worry, and here's how it goes:
i went up to austin in the hallway, and he's kind of rushing off with a friend, and he goes, "oh, i have bad news to tell you, i'll tell you at homeroom though," and then we go separate ways with me fuming. i kind of exploded to jessica, much to her alarm, and then to kristina and emily wisnewski in english the following class hour.
and then anna pops up at band and is all, "hey, i heard your boyfriend was in a car accident this weekend," and i nearly dropped my flute because i was so furious and shocked that he didn't tell me. "HE WHAT? HE WHAAAAT??"
and then i exploded about this whole weekend and austin to andrew before homeroom and i think i alarmed andrew with my extremely out of character behavior. i know i overreacted and after all this prayer-over-worry talk, i feel like an idiot.
and then austin came in and tried to explain himself and i tried to restrain myself from all out yelling again, and i told him how upset i was that he didn't even freaking tell me. and then he kept apologizing over and over again and even blurted a compliment about my hair in the middle of it [desperation?] and he tried to hug me, but i kept pulling away. and then he goes, "hey! i was in a CAR ACCIDENT!" and i just hugged him without even thinking about it.
and i grudgingly said, 's'okay,' but he could clearly tell i was still unhappy, and he sat with me on the piano bench, and it came out really sad and quiet, but i said, "i just really missed you all weekend, and you sounded so flippant the other day and we hardly talked, and the whole time i kept wondering what i did wrong and worrying and worrying and i couldn't figure out what i had done wrong." and he said sorry a few hundred times more and hugged me.
and after homeroom, he told me about how he didn't want to tell me over text, to which i told him he could've called. and he said the main reason he didn't tell me was b/c he didn't want to admit it to me or make me worry, which kind of backfired.
chem, we had a ridiculous phone call in which the anonymous caller asked if birds were mammals. after much discussion, bergmann answered, "well, we who do not know anything about living things say birds are a category like mammals are. don't you want the bio department?" and roller's all, "WTF, like WORLD TRADE FEDERATION." adoreadoreadore.
ahaha, i started the day in a mix of apprehension and worry, and here's how it goes:
i went up to austin in the hallway, and he's kind of rushing off with a friend, and he goes, "oh, i have bad news to tell you, i'll tell you at homeroom though," and then we go separate ways with me fuming. i kind of exploded to jessica, much to her alarm, and then to kristina and emily wisnewski in english the following class hour.
and then anna pops up at band and is all, "hey, i heard your boyfriend was in a car accident this weekend," and i nearly dropped my flute because i was so furious and shocked that he didn't tell me. "HE WHAT? HE WHAAAAT??"
and then i exploded about this whole weekend and austin to andrew before homeroom and i think i alarmed andrew with my extremely out of character behavior. i know i overreacted and after all this prayer-over-worry talk, i feel like an idiot.
and then austin came in and tried to explain himself and i tried to restrain myself from all out yelling again, and i told him how upset i was that he didn't even freaking tell me. and then he kept apologizing over and over again and even blurted a compliment about my hair in the middle of it [desperation?] and he tried to hug me, but i kept pulling away. and then he goes, "hey! i was in a CAR ACCIDENT!" and i just hugged him without even thinking about it.
and i grudgingly said, 's'okay,' but he could clearly tell i was still unhappy, and he sat with me on the piano bench, and it came out really sad and quiet, but i said, "i just really missed you all weekend, and you sounded so flippant the other day and we hardly talked, and the whole time i kept wondering what i did wrong and worrying and worrying and i couldn't figure out what i had done wrong." and he said sorry a few hundred times more and hugged me.
and after homeroom, he told me about how he didn't want to tell me over text, to which i told him he could've called. and he said the main reason he didn't tell me was b/c he didn't want to admit it to me or make me worry, which kind of backfired.
chem, we had a ridiculous phone call in which the anonymous caller asked if birds were mammals. after much discussion, bergmann answered, "well, we who do not know anything about living things say birds are a category like mammals are. don't you want the bio department?" and roller's all, "WTF, like WORLD TRADE FEDERATION." adoreadoreadore.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
day 8: don't worry, pray!
my first thought to start this with was, "WOW WHAT A STUPID DAY," but in reality, it was only a stupid afternoon.
this morning i went to church, as planned. i was distracted throughout all the service without thoughts and doubts of austin, but i really enjoyed the bible study. we read phillipians 4:1-10 and such, i believe. it talks a lot about how worrying about what you're praying for isn't right because it's showing that you don't trust what God's doing for you and that you're just asking for more instead of seeing what you have. it really meant a lot to me since i'm a huge worrier. i'm going to pray massively before i sleep tonight.
during the service, i sat with janelle and rachel, both of whom i've come to like a lot more in the space of today. i already loved rachel, but janelle and i feel closer somehow. i think it's just the close contact thing, since we were sitting together, but that just makes me think about how much i crave that from austin.
i'm scared to approach him tomorrow for some reason. i don't want to feel like a fool if he brushes me off, but i missed him so terribly. i hate feeling like the needy one in this relationship.
tiffany and i went out to eat a flattop afterward, and it was great fun. as always, the food was delicious, and conversation with tiffany was great [consisting of boyfriends, insecurities, family, her father's birthday, and brion song]. sometimes i think i'd easily fall in love with that brion boy, he seems so sadly lonely and needing someone to understand, and i want to try and understand. actually, i know i just want to be needed, and i feel like an accessory to austin. it hurts.
before we even got our meals, i texted austin a cheery, "heyheyhey, what're you busy with today?" and i've waited all day for a response. is he honestly so mad at or irritated with or tired of me that he couldn't even bother answering that? or perhaps he just didn't wanted a break? or maybe he turned off his phone. last night i sent a longwinded apology for being grouchy toward him, but i really should have apologized for making excuses to get out of seeing a movie with him. i don't know what i'm doing, but i'm sorry and i just wanted to tell him i love him and make it good. i'm so bad at this.
i was so distracted i've managed to do nothing all day, and i'm going to bed early today.
tomorrow morning, i want to:
runrunrun,
20 notes for english,
clean myself up.
this morning i went to church, as planned. i was distracted throughout all the service without thoughts and doubts of austin, but i really enjoyed the bible study. we read phillipians 4:1-10 and such, i believe. it talks a lot about how worrying about what you're praying for isn't right because it's showing that you don't trust what God's doing for you and that you're just asking for more instead of seeing what you have. it really meant a lot to me since i'm a huge worrier. i'm going to pray massively before i sleep tonight.
during the service, i sat with janelle and rachel, both of whom i've come to like a lot more in the space of today. i already loved rachel, but janelle and i feel closer somehow. i think it's just the close contact thing, since we were sitting together, but that just makes me think about how much i crave that from austin.
i'm scared to approach him tomorrow for some reason. i don't want to feel like a fool if he brushes me off, but i missed him so terribly. i hate feeling like the needy one in this relationship.
tiffany and i went out to eat a flattop afterward, and it was great fun. as always, the food was delicious, and conversation with tiffany was great [consisting of boyfriends, insecurities, family, her father's birthday, and brion song]. sometimes i think i'd easily fall in love with that brion boy, he seems so sadly lonely and needing someone to understand, and i want to try and understand. actually, i know i just want to be needed, and i feel like an accessory to austin. it hurts.
before we even got our meals, i texted austin a cheery, "heyheyhey, what're you busy with today?" and i've waited all day for a response. is he honestly so mad at or irritated with or tired of me that he couldn't even bother answering that? or perhaps he just didn't wanted a break? or maybe he turned off his phone. last night i sent a longwinded apology for being grouchy toward him, but i really should have apologized for making excuses to get out of seeing a movie with him. i don't know what i'm doing, but i'm sorry and i just wanted to tell him i love him and make it good. i'm so bad at this.
i was so distracted i've managed to do nothing all day, and i'm going to bed early today.
tomorrow morning, i want to:
runrunrun,
20 notes for english,
clean myself up.
day 5-6-7: sad to super
THESE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN A MESSSSSSS.
[her boyfriend says she's a mess, she's a mess, she's a messsss.]
TODAY:
speaking of boyfriends, i kind of ditched mine today in favor of staying in bed and i don't get to see him until monday. after i missed austin all weekend, i blew him off and sounded wishywashy and fffffffff, i missed him sososososo bad, and then my attitude left him kind of nonchalant, and i was so sad.
imisshimstill. i feel like i'm the sort of girl boys realize they don't want to spend their time waiting on.
i had to cancel on janelle today and i felt really bad about it, and she got kind of irritated with me, which made me feel worse. on top of that, i poured a bunch of silk light chocolate soymilk down the drain when it wasn't even expired. SO SAD.
ICUTMYHAIR, and i can feel 90% of my stress vanishing. i feel so much better, and everything is in better perception.
i want to see austin mostly, and just talk to him.
and i'm excited about church later today/tomorrow!
BLACK FRIDAY:
my parents and i keep having random arguments. my mom got super pissed with me and cindy yesterday when we came home with slightly ripped jeans and uggghgh.
yesterday, cindy woke me up at 430 and i felt deathlydeathlydeathly iilllll. ahaha, and then i went MAD SHOPPIN' anyway, and came home with jeans, owl sweatshirt, and shirts [pacsun], moccasins [american eagle], a sweatshirt [hollister], and fluffy slippers [aero]. so much winnnn.
i thought i'd run into more people i knew there, but i only saw reagan and millie at hot topic. how peculiar.
and then i slept all day [10-7 and midnight to 8]. i hate being sick. i had to cancel on alyssa and i was really sad. i miss her a lot.
THANKSGIVING:
sucked. my dad wasn't home at all, mom was sad, cindy and i kind of hung around some. it was stupid. and then my dad came home, dragged me to casey's, scolded me for not working my schedule around other peoples' and then had to realize the repercussions of trying to fill up tires at midnight... because it only suited his schedule and no one elses. lolol.
all of these days, i finally got most of my AP music stuff done and a little bit of a start into my english research! i feel encouraged, mostly because of this haircut, ahaha.
i'm feeling so relieved for some reason.
all days:
i've been reading Look at the Birdie by Kurt Vonnegut, and that book is beautiful. it really hits a chord in me and i can't get over how well-crafted each story is and how subtly meaningful i find each of them. i've had an awful writer's block recently, ever since i showed austin my poetry a few weeks back, and it's a comfort to realize this:
writing is about taking something drearily commonplace, fashioning it into a fascinating tale, and weaving in a little lesson, an important idea that means a lot to you and change how someone thinks.
it's really encouraging somehow.
goals of sunday:
-praise and worship our Lord
-20 notecards of notes on the Renaissance
-bass line of AP music theory
-call austin and see how he is, how he feels about us [perhaps]
-be happy
-go to church!
-go to bed early
-play flute
-get over this stupidstupidstupid cold!
-be really happy♥
hello, my name is helen, and i am in love with everything.
[her boyfriend says she's a mess, she's a mess, she's a messsss.]
TODAY:
speaking of boyfriends, i kind of ditched mine today in favor of staying in bed and i don't get to see him until monday. after i missed austin all weekend, i blew him off and sounded wishywashy and fffffffff, i missed him sososososo bad, and then my attitude left him kind of nonchalant, and i was so sad.
imisshimstill. i feel like i'm the sort of girl boys realize they don't want to spend their time waiting on.
i had to cancel on janelle today and i felt really bad about it, and she got kind of irritated with me, which made me feel worse. on top of that, i poured a bunch of silk light chocolate soymilk down the drain when it wasn't even expired. SO SAD.
ICUTMYHAIR, and i can feel 90% of my stress vanishing. i feel so much better, and everything is in better perception.
i want to see austin mostly, and just talk to him.
and i'm excited about church later today/tomorrow!
BLACK FRIDAY:
my parents and i keep having random arguments. my mom got super pissed with me and cindy yesterday when we came home with slightly ripped jeans and uggghgh.
yesterday, cindy woke me up at 430 and i felt deathlydeathlydeathly iilllll. ahaha, and then i went MAD SHOPPIN' anyway, and came home with jeans, owl sweatshirt, and shirts [pacsun], moccasins [american eagle], a sweatshirt [hollister], and fluffy slippers [aero]. so much winnnn.
i thought i'd run into more people i knew there, but i only saw reagan and millie at hot topic. how peculiar.
and then i slept all day [10-7 and midnight to 8]. i hate being sick. i had to cancel on alyssa and i was really sad. i miss her a lot.
THANKSGIVING:
sucked. my dad wasn't home at all, mom was sad, cindy and i kind of hung around some. it was stupid. and then my dad came home, dragged me to casey's, scolded me for not working my schedule around other peoples' and then had to realize the repercussions of trying to fill up tires at midnight... because it only suited his schedule and no one elses. lolol.
all of these days, i finally got most of my AP music stuff done and a little bit of a start into my english research! i feel encouraged, mostly because of this haircut, ahaha.
i'm feeling so relieved for some reason.
all days:
i've been reading Look at the Birdie by Kurt Vonnegut, and that book is beautiful. it really hits a chord in me and i can't get over how well-crafted each story is and how subtly meaningful i find each of them. i've had an awful writer's block recently, ever since i showed austin my poetry a few weeks back, and it's a comfort to realize this:
writing is about taking something drearily commonplace, fashioning it into a fascinating tale, and weaving in a little lesson, an important idea that means a lot to you and change how someone thinks.
it's really encouraging somehow.
goals of sunday:
-praise and worship our Lord
-20 notecards of notes on the Renaissance
-bass line of AP music theory
-call austin and see how he is, how he feels about us [perhaps]
-be happy
-go to church!
-go to bed early
-play flute
-get over this stupidstupidstupid cold!
-be really happy♥
hello, my name is helen, and i am in love with everything.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
day 4: everything is good.
hey! i'm feeling really good right now.
yesyesterday, tuesday, austin gave a ride home to this ashlyn girl who is reputedly a little loose in boy dealings, and i was a mix of scaredpissedirritatedjealousjealous,
but i thought it over and over again and i realized i have no reason to feel that way because austin's an admirable person and he wouldn't do anything like that while we're dating because he has fundamental respect for people/treats people as best as he can. he's really wonderful, and i feel so overwhelmingly lucky.
so i guess i have nothing to worry about even though he talks to a good number of really beautiful girls like that kaitlyn patterson girl who everyone seems to love/know and i'm just plain-jane helen-o. ohhh, i don't understand him at all, but i don't want to lose him.
TODAY I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO GET WORK DONE.
today i got next to nothing done because i woke up and cried all day. mostly residual pain from last night's talk, but there was a lot of missing-claire/clairico so terribly. friends aren't easy to replace and best friends are even worse.
there are friends, close friends, best friends, and realtruedeepsoul best friends, and when claire and i stopped being friends, it was like i lost a good chunk of me. and the funny thing was, by then, i had given up a so much of myself to school/parents that she was the only part left, and then she left too: there i was, but it wasn't me.
this whole last summer, i have been asking myself over and over again: what could be so wrong with me that the person that loved me most, knew me best would leave me? and the answer i give now is that she did love me and know me, but i wasn't me for that whole year, and she could find better friends. i found myself again and i know i can do what i want, do what i want to do, and accomplish lots because of this, including school and family stuff, but
when i was struggling in my head with all of the ideas from last night, all i wanted to do was call her up and cry to her.
i haven't felt like this in a longlong time, and it was heartbreaking through and through. i just laid on my stomach in bed and thought about all the good times we had, all the kindness exchanged, all the everything, and i cried and cried.
i think, to an extent, soul-best-friends and real-relationship-soul-mates don't differ so greatly. the only thing that separates the two is the level of intimacy, and having never experienced, i can't tell you how much of an impact that is, but i'm sure it's very important. but the main thing is, all friendships are like relationships, and this one broke my heart so terribly that i'm not entirely over this still. i've said goodbye so many times, and then i revisit memories too soon. this is how i look at them: in the trafalgorean sense where i see them all at the same time and see the beauty and goodness and happiness all at once, with all the events happening simultaneously, and it hurts knowing it's not here anymore. slaughterhouse-five helped a lot with that, knowing that no matter what, the events that happened have been sealed shut, made permanent: there will always be a me and claire, somewhere, locked in time. similarly, i tell myself that this helenaustin will always exist in some place in time, and i'll be okay.
but i wasn't thinking that entirely earlier, i was just sleeping, crying, sleeping, eating small morsels, and then tiffany came over and we talked about all of that and the previous jealousy problems and austin and her jeremy and nathan [how i could easily fall for him and how i realized i just really don't have that ability to and how things just happen so i don't] and her losing her best friend and how we're good friends/understanding always, and after all of that, here i am:
i am happy.
we are closer than we have been before.
and, it all comes down to, i am in love with austin, and i just want to see him soonsoonsoon and tell him.
BAHH, WHY IS HE SO BAD AT ANSWERING MY TEXTS?
i hate texting for this! whyyy can't he just call meeeee?
ahaha, frivolous worries <3
my sister cindy and i have been getting closer again, and she's certainly happier now too, and i hope i'm contributing to that. we laugh and joke and talk a lot more, and she seems proud to be my sister again. out of everyone i know, i love her most, and i want to take care of her always.
SCOTT PILGRIM FOR DINNER TOMORROW!
CHRISTMAS MUSIC IS BACK! ohh, i'm so happy.
dear Lord,
thank you for this day and each day before,
especially for every day we have ahead of us.
i want to come before you and thank you for:
all the wonderful people you've put into my life,
the ones i have now and the ones i've lost;
all the good times amidst the sad
and good times in general;
giving me the strength to go on when i thought
i couldn't possibly ever get up again;
taking care of us each and every day;
finding me in the hardest part of my life and helping me love You.
Lord, help me learn more about you and grow closer each day,
and i will keep trying to be a better Christian and spread our faith.
please take care of all the people i love most, and all those we both love.
in God i pray, amen.
happyhappy thanksgiving!
yesyesterday, tuesday, austin gave a ride home to this ashlyn girl who is reputedly a little loose in boy dealings, and i was a mix of scaredpissedirritatedjealousjealous,
but i thought it over and over again and i realized i have no reason to feel that way because austin's an admirable person and he wouldn't do anything like that while we're dating because he has fundamental respect for people/treats people as best as he can. he's really wonderful, and i feel so overwhelmingly lucky.
so i guess i have nothing to worry about even though he talks to a good number of really beautiful girls like that kaitlyn patterson girl who everyone seems to love/know and i'm just plain-jane helen-o. ohhh, i don't understand him at all, but i don't want to lose him.
TODAY I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO GET WORK DONE.
today i got next to nothing done because i woke up and cried all day. mostly residual pain from last night's talk, but there was a lot of missing-claire/clairico so terribly. friends aren't easy to replace and best friends are even worse.
there are friends, close friends, best friends, and realtruedeepsoul best friends, and when claire and i stopped being friends, it was like i lost a good chunk of me. and the funny thing was, by then, i had given up a so much of myself to school/parents that she was the only part left, and then she left too: there i was, but it wasn't me.
this whole last summer, i have been asking myself over and over again: what could be so wrong with me that the person that loved me most, knew me best would leave me? and the answer i give now is that she did love me and know me, but i wasn't me for that whole year, and she could find better friends. i found myself again and i know i can do what i want, do what i want to do, and accomplish lots because of this, including school and family stuff, but
when i was struggling in my head with all of the ideas from last night, all i wanted to do was call her up and cry to her.
i haven't felt like this in a longlong time, and it was heartbreaking through and through. i just laid on my stomach in bed and thought about all the good times we had, all the kindness exchanged, all the everything, and i cried and cried.
i think, to an extent, soul-best-friends and real-relationship-soul-mates don't differ so greatly. the only thing that separates the two is the level of intimacy, and having never experienced, i can't tell you how much of an impact that is, but i'm sure it's very important. but the main thing is, all friendships are like relationships, and this one broke my heart so terribly that i'm not entirely over this still. i've said goodbye so many times, and then i revisit memories too soon. this is how i look at them: in the trafalgorean sense where i see them all at the same time and see the beauty and goodness and happiness all at once, with all the events happening simultaneously, and it hurts knowing it's not here anymore. slaughterhouse-five helped a lot with that, knowing that no matter what, the events that happened have been sealed shut, made permanent: there will always be a me and claire, somewhere, locked in time. similarly, i tell myself that this helenaustin will always exist in some place in time, and i'll be okay.
but i wasn't thinking that entirely earlier, i was just sleeping, crying, sleeping, eating small morsels, and then tiffany came over and we talked about all of that and the previous jealousy problems and austin and her jeremy and nathan [how i could easily fall for him and how i realized i just really don't have that ability to and how things just happen so i don't] and her losing her best friend and how we're good friends/understanding always, and after all of that, here i am:
i am happy.
we are closer than we have been before.
and, it all comes down to, i am in love with austin, and i just want to see him soonsoonsoon and tell him.
BAHH, WHY IS HE SO BAD AT ANSWERING MY TEXTS?
i hate texting for this! whyyy can't he just call meeeee?
ahaha, frivolous worries <3
my sister cindy and i have been getting closer again, and she's certainly happier now too, and i hope i'm contributing to that. we laugh and joke and talk a lot more, and she seems proud to be my sister again. out of everyone i know, i love her most, and i want to take care of her always.
SCOTT PILGRIM FOR DINNER TOMORROW!
CHRISTMAS MUSIC IS BACK! ohh, i'm so happy.
dear Lord,
thank you for this day and each day before,
especially for every day we have ahead of us.
i want to come before you and thank you for:
all the wonderful people you've put into my life,
the ones i have now and the ones i've lost;
all the good times amidst the sad
and good times in general;
giving me the strength to go on when i thought
i couldn't possibly ever get up again;
taking care of us each and every day;
finding me in the hardest part of my life and helping me love You.
Lord, help me learn more about you and grow closer each day,
and i will keep trying to be a better Christian and spread our faith.
please take care of all the people i love most, and all those we both love.
in God i pray, amen.
happyhappy thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
day 3: life choices
what i can't say to anyone but nearly said to nathan:
didn't mean to ditch you like that,
had a long, long talk with my dad about what i'm doing with my life and
nathan, nathan, you know what i'm like, to an extent,
and every time i try to do what my parents say is best for me, i lose what i felt like was good for me,
and best is better than good, so i suppose i was going the right way but
i wish it didn't make me sosososo sad.
they're telling me to break up with austin, and i don't know what to do about this because lately i've been wondering that despite all my errors and how we don't get to see each other, despite all that, maybe i'm falling in love with him, and i just don't want to do something that makes him sad because he really means a lot to me,
but i can't do everything and i can't let down my parents, i don't think i'd be able to live with that.
this is where i differed with you and claire:
my parents want me to achieve 'great things and be successful,'
and after i tried to work toward that last year, well, claire isn't my best friend anymore, and that has been the saddest thing in all my life.
i was reading Look at the Birdie by Kurt Vonnegut, and one of his characters said something like,
what do people want more than food, almost?
someone that understands exactly what you mean.
and i don't want it to become a pattern where i find someone, and then i let go of them, but it's starting to feel like that in order to get to this somewhere my parents want me to go, i have to do that.
my parents don't have many friends, they mostly have each other,
and i wonder if they want me to be like them, and i'm a spineless little kid sometimes, so i don't know what i want. austin keeps telling me to choose what i want, what i know is what's best for me: i don't know what i want. i want to do great things, i want to have lots of fun, and i can't do both and
the whole time my dad was telling me i need to focus and let go of unimportant things, i was crying and crying because i don't want to make my parents sadder, i know that i'm carrying a lot of their hopes and happiness, but at the same time, i feel like i'm giving up what i want, which is what we were talking about, all the thinking and being normal stuff. and i know i'm going to feel forever disappointed if i follow what i want after this talk, but i feel like if things don't work as perfectly for me as it did with my parents, i'm just going to be eventually insane and lonely.
the funny thing is it all comes down to race, and i've never before wished so much to be white and average and have no expectations and live plainly.
what am i going to do?
didn't mean to ditch you like that,
had a long, long talk with my dad about what i'm doing with my life and
nathan, nathan, you know what i'm like, to an extent,
and every time i try to do what my parents say is best for me, i lose what i felt like was good for me,
and best is better than good, so i suppose i was going the right way but
i wish it didn't make me sosososo sad.
they're telling me to break up with austin, and i don't know what to do about this because lately i've been wondering that despite all my errors and how we don't get to see each other, despite all that, maybe i'm falling in love with him, and i just don't want to do something that makes him sad because he really means a lot to me,
but i can't do everything and i can't let down my parents, i don't think i'd be able to live with that.
this is where i differed with you and claire:
my parents want me to achieve 'great things and be successful,'
and after i tried to work toward that last year, well, claire isn't my best friend anymore, and that has been the saddest thing in all my life.
i was reading Look at the Birdie by Kurt Vonnegut, and one of his characters said something like,
what do people want more than food, almost?
someone that understands exactly what you mean.
and i don't want it to become a pattern where i find someone, and then i let go of them, but it's starting to feel like that in order to get to this somewhere my parents want me to go, i have to do that.
my parents don't have many friends, they mostly have each other,
and i wonder if they want me to be like them, and i'm a spineless little kid sometimes, so i don't know what i want. austin keeps telling me to choose what i want, what i know is what's best for me: i don't know what i want. i want to do great things, i want to have lots of fun, and i can't do both and
the whole time my dad was telling me i need to focus and let go of unimportant things, i was crying and crying because i don't want to make my parents sadder, i know that i'm carrying a lot of their hopes and happiness, but at the same time, i feel like i'm giving up what i want, which is what we were talking about, all the thinking and being normal stuff. and i know i'm going to feel forever disappointed if i follow what i want after this talk, but i feel like if things don't work as perfectly for me as it did with my parents, i'm just going to be eventually insane and lonely.
the funny thing is it all comes down to race, and i've never before wished so much to be white and average and have no expectations and live plainly.
what am i going to do?
Monday, November 22, 2010
day 2: waterwashed/hopeful
today it rained hard, and it makes me feel clean all over again, a sort of noah's ark moment in my car as i drove along college by myself. i feel obliged to read that passage in the bible soon.
i was at grove for the after school program today, and it always makes me feel so much happier when the children there all gleefully run up to me and say, "helen's here! helen's here!" and try to squeeze into seats next to me and show me everything they have. one little girl, hannah, proudly told me, "this is the third time i've seen you before." so much innocence and kindness in one place, i can't believe we all grew up from that.
sometimes i think it helps me put things in perspective, spending time with these kids. i worry about silly things and austin too much, and when i'm with them, things clear up, my affections and love for everyone returns and worries are erased, and i love seeing these kids so much.
i made a fuse-bead snowflake for my mother for the first time in at least six or seven years. i almost cried when i saw how happy she looked, and how she praised me for being a good kid. i wish i could go back in time again.
this rainy weather makes me so sad that i want to cry and snuggle up to austin and not think for a few years. everything feels terribly overwhelming lately, and i suppose it'll just get worse, but i don't know how much longer i can go with this.
i always wonder how long this austinhelen thing is going to last, and i wonder if i'm taking this too seriously when it's meant to be a temporary thing. i wish i knew how he feels about it, how he feels about me, before i put too much stock and thought into this. i'm being too careful about all of this, which makes it even harder to enjoy, and i'm going to keep telling myself to let go and relax and have some fun.
i'm feeling a lot better and brighter today, and i think God has answered my prayers for motivation and happiness and return of affections, etc. i'm going to be just fine, and i thank Him for always being there and providing stability and relief and solace.
i had a long day today, and i was generally unhappy for some reason, but i was laughing all day whenever i struck up conversation, and i know this is the me i can love. i am a people person to the core, and today it really showed. i'm glad.
thanksgiving weekend is the day after tomorrow, and i'm sosososo looking forward to it. i cannot wait to relax and unwind and do what i've been wanting to do and devoting myself to a lot of helen time. i originally planned to just hide from the world including my family and look for myself, but i feel it's better to do that and see keana, breanne, janelle, diana, tiff, and hopefully more people. i miss spending time with people i love.
i've kind of decided to not spend time with austin until he straight up misses me because i feel like i am awfully like a chore for him as of late. sunday night, we spent a long time with me just sitting and not talking, and i hate being so.
today it struck me that i have a lot of time ahead of me and a lot to live for, and it makes me so happy and relieved.
i want to be the best i can be for the people i love.
goals of today:
exercise and wash down,
study hard and finish all my work,
get a good strong start on my AP music composition,
do something sweet for austin,
thank the Lord for everything he has given me.
i was at grove for the after school program today, and it always makes me feel so much happier when the children there all gleefully run up to me and say, "helen's here! helen's here!" and try to squeeze into seats next to me and show me everything they have. one little girl, hannah, proudly told me, "this is the third time i've seen you before." so much innocence and kindness in one place, i can't believe we all grew up from that.
sometimes i think it helps me put things in perspective, spending time with these kids. i worry about silly things and austin too much, and when i'm with them, things clear up, my affections and love for everyone returns and worries are erased, and i love seeing these kids so much.
i made a fuse-bead snowflake for my mother for the first time in at least six or seven years. i almost cried when i saw how happy she looked, and how she praised me for being a good kid. i wish i could go back in time again.
this rainy weather makes me so sad that i want to cry and snuggle up to austin and not think for a few years. everything feels terribly overwhelming lately, and i suppose it'll just get worse, but i don't know how much longer i can go with this.
i always wonder how long this austinhelen thing is going to last, and i wonder if i'm taking this too seriously when it's meant to be a temporary thing. i wish i knew how he feels about it, how he feels about me, before i put too much stock and thought into this. i'm being too careful about all of this, which makes it even harder to enjoy, and i'm going to keep telling myself to let go and relax and have some fun.
i'm feeling a lot better and brighter today, and i think God has answered my prayers for motivation and happiness and return of affections, etc. i'm going to be just fine, and i thank Him for always being there and providing stability and relief and solace.
i had a long day today, and i was generally unhappy for some reason, but i was laughing all day whenever i struck up conversation, and i know this is the me i can love. i am a people person to the core, and today it really showed. i'm glad.
thanksgiving weekend is the day after tomorrow, and i'm sosososo looking forward to it. i cannot wait to relax and unwind and do what i've been wanting to do and devoting myself to a lot of helen time. i originally planned to just hide from the world including my family and look for myself, but i feel it's better to do that and see keana, breanne, janelle, diana, tiff, and hopefully more people. i miss spending time with people i love.
i've kind of decided to not spend time with austin until he straight up misses me because i feel like i am awfully like a chore for him as of late. sunday night, we spent a long time with me just sitting and not talking, and i hate being so.
today it struck me that i have a lot of time ahead of me and a lot to live for, and it makes me so happy and relieved.
i want to be the best i can be for the people i love.
goals of today:
exercise and wash down,
study hard and finish all my work,
get a good strong start on my AP music composition,
do something sweet for austin,
thank the Lord for everything he has given me.
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