day 1: i'm doing everything wrong.

drawing from the inspiration and lovely album i accidentally discovered some time ago, i decided to start a blog or journal sort of thing where i just ramble forever about my life and little going-ons. her forte is photography, mine used to be writing, so i decided to just go with that.

lately the days feel long, the list of things-to-be-done feels longer, and i'm increasing discontent with everything i have. in summary, my situation is something to be coveted, but something irrationally irritating all at once. it's lovely with blemishes all over, but if you hold it just so, it's something to truly behold, and i'm having a hard time finding that perfect angle. and there goes all my time, in search of that silly little outlook when i could be trying to fix things.

i can't decide what i want. i want to be happy, but i can't decide what makes me happy. well, here are the things that make me happy:
fancy, uncommon words
long books with real thought
austin
keana and tiffany and diana and my little sister
the relief and pride when i do well in english
wandering downtown normal with no place in mind and dreams within arms length

lately i've been rather discouraged with austin, and i suppose it's just me being silly and worrisome all over again for no true reason. it's just starting to aggravate me that our conversations fall flat and our motions seem so mechanical and required rather than what we want to do. i just want him to hold me and just not say anything, but i don't know how to tell him this. perhaps i'm just afraid to since i don't want to seem like the other girls that just want him because he's ridiculously attractive and such.
sometimes i think he's just boring. he's good for advice and problems, but i'm starting to feel like we don't connect and very many areas. i'm starting to feel like our thoughts and opinions are metal filings and magnets separated by paper. perhaps i'm just never in the right mood for him.
i just don't want him to tire of me, and i keep worrying that he will, and i know that will inadvertently make him tire of me, and it's an awful, awful cycle that i cannot rid myself of.
i don't know why, but i don't really like kissing all that much. it's nice, it really is, and nice is the only word that can really convey how truly nice it is, but it's such a weak sounding word, and i don't like that. this post is just full of don'ts and negativity.

my parents have been expecting a lot from me lately, and for the first time in years, i'm repeatedly falling short of their expectations, and in all honesty, i don't even want to do anything, and it just makes this situation worse and worse. i'm digging myself a hole here and cutting off ties again, just in time for winter, and everything feels like it's falling apart and i can't stand it.
i just need some time away from everyone and everything to recollect and polish some thoughts before i get swept away again. i'm not even thinking about what i'm saying, i just keep typing and words keep appearing on the screen at this point. i'm so exhausted.

here is a truth:
harry potter and the deathly hallows had everything i ever dreamed of, all my little fancies and clothing adorations and hopes and romance, all there. and i remember talking to claire about such dreams, and it makes me sad that i cannot talk to her about these things anymore. it's alright now, but i wish i still had someone i could tell these things to.
i realized today i can't replace people b/c they just make places in my heart, help me realize that they fulfill needs i didn't even know existed, and then they just leave. i can't find someone to tell everything to, to understand everything i ramble, to agree and expand on everything i say just as claire did, and the closest thing i've found is nathan. and i don't even want to try to talk to nathan at this point because it seems to bother austin some, but all these thoughts are so pent up, and i just want one person to understand what's going on in my head, or at least be disappointed to find that that person isn't who i thought they were. at least i won't sit around all day and feel upset that i'm missing on this chance.
when i first met nathan, i knew immediately that if i had met him before austin, i would've fallen veryvery hard for him. and i'm sure God made sure i met austin first for a real reason, and this boy is sososo wonderful and good to me that i can't imagine anyone else taking his place. there are times when i think i'm falling in love with him, but then small things hold me back and drive me crazy.
i hate it when he makes me wait. i hate it when i feel like my affections outweigh his. i hate worrying that he'll change his mind about me simply because i keep assuming everyone's like me and everyone changes their mind forty times a day. i hate this. i hate a lot of things today, but mostly i cannot stand myself.

i'm far too much of a permanent person, and i feel like all my attachments to things break my heart too easily. dallas told me about him moving and how his house was a place to grow up in, not a place to live in forever, and it struck me that i had never looked at things in that sense before. i keep thinking i'll have something forever, and when it's gone, it devastates me. i say i love change, but i sink my roots in too deep. and then i have to amputate those limbs when a deep change occurs, and i'm soso destroyed for a period afterward. perhaps austin is a temporary, growing-up relationship, and i just keep idealizing it too much to enjoy it. perhaps i just think too much.

plan of action:
i'm going to get everything done [classwork, studying],
clean my room,
make room for people,
make some new friends,
get enough sleep,
stop eating so much food,
lose lots of weight,
read so much i have too much to talk about,
and find myself again.

i've always just wanted to be someone admirable, enviable.